Monday, January 9, 2012

2012, the year of "What the *#%@!!"

Well, that last blog was a curse, because as you know, I haven't posted anything since then.  It's been a very strange few weeks.  2012 is starting out with a bang, and not the right kind.

I left Utah feeling very sad that we had missed our only opportunity since we were children to have a family picture taken together - I mean the whole family.  My mom and dad and all us kids and all the grandkids and all the spouses were all together...and yet we didn't have that photo taken.  That chance probably won't come again - everyone lives so far away...until...well, hopefully it comes before someone passes away.  As I've experienced both personally and through others, life will throw you a curve when you least expect it.

They say that death comes in 3's and 7's.  I am not sure if that is true, but I have heard of a lot of people passing away lately.  A girl at work lost her mother in law, another girl at work lost her uncle and grandfather, another girl at work lost her mother, a girl from my old job lost her mother, and then the most significant loss for myself was of a long-time friend and old boyfriend, Andrew.  He was someone I wanted to marry at one time and who wanted to marry me.  That makes six.  I hope that I have forgotten one somewhere, only because I don't want to hear about anymore for a while.  It's too sad...I was, and still am, so shocked about my friend.

We haven't seen each other or spoken in a very long time, but we still considered each other good, trusted friends.  We sent messages on facebook occasionally.  His last messages to me were on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  On Christmas Eve he said, "Merry Xmas Sweetie!! Hope you and Scarlett have a great holiday."  Christmas day he sent, ":)p."  I was out of town, and didn't send a message back until Dec. 27.  The accident was December 26.  He never received that message, but I have to believe that he knew I was thinking of him.

What's even worse is that he died at the hospital I work at.  Since I don't really know any of his friends very well, and am not their friends on facebook, I didn't even find out about any of it until January 5.  He died January 3 at my hospital, two floors below where I work.  Had I known, I could have seen him one last time. I could have let him know, for the last time ever, that I have always considered him to be a very special person, and that I was so glad to know him for the time that I did.  It relieves a little of the heartache to know that he will be in heaven one day when I go.

I only had one picture of him.  For some reason, when I went to get it out of my photo album, it's missing.  I am not sure if a jealous ex took it out one time or what...but now I have none, except the pictures on facebook and the memorial flyer.  Scarlett and I do still have the teddy bear that he brought to the hospital for her the day she was born.  And I will always have that smile, that laugh, living in my memory to call upon whenever I want.  He will be missed forever, as he watches over us all from a better place.

I know that these challenges are given to us to help us learn to be better people.  I prayed last night that God would help me finally (even though I only found out about him last Thursday) wrap my head around the fact that he was gone and stop obsessing about it (I've been thinking and dreaming about him non-stop, it was such a shock to me).  I woke this morning still thinking of him, but I was at peace.  I know he's gone, I know it's okay.  I know he was meant to go when he did for a reason, and that reason isn't for me to know right now.

The rest of the year will surely be better.  It's been a strange start, but...I have hope.  "Dum spiro spero," or "While I Breathe, I hope."

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